It has been a long time since the last time I have written. Though I have been craving to write for months, I could never make time for it. Each time I tried, I realized how full my mind was and how fast thoughts were racing in my head.

Finally, here I am today. It has been horribly busy and stressful for several months. I was so hopeful from 2020 with all the dreams and expectations lining up in my head. I ended the year with a visit to my favorite country. My forever home… Turkey. Just as I thought how lucky I was seeing my family, spending time by the sea and doing all the things that I wanted to do. I thought I loaded myself with all the energy I needed for the new year. For the busy days to come…

Well, the plans did not work out so well. I was devastated with the death of Coby Brian and his daughter. How could he have died?? After all, he was one of my all-time favorite basketball players. My childhood memories. It broke my heart to see my son trying to process Coby’s sudden death. He is in love with basketball and who knows how many times he watched Coby’s videos to learn a few tricks and techniques here and there.

Then it was the loss of my best friend’s mom whom I have known since I was 11. One more piece taken away from my childhood. Then came the pandemic. I closed my school in mid-March only for two weeks. At least that was what I thought would be. Here we are at the end of June and all these months we have been staying at home.

I have never thought that I would work from home. Especially as a head of a preschool. My heart is so heavy, my mind is exhausted my whole being is stressed out.

Why am I stressed? Work load? Not really. It is the unknown and the anxiety that comes with it. I am a mother, a wife, an educator, a leader. I have been torn in so many pieces that some days I feel like I cannot put myself together after all of this. Most days I am grateful for everything I have in my life, especially my family and our health, and I know I can carry on and lift this up. My team, our school community, my colleagues, my family in Turkey have all been my saving grace.

I have been enslaved by my laptop more than ever. Endless virtual meetings, countless documents to read and webinars to attend, hundreds of emails to check and to respond to every week. The heaviest of all is not the work load, as one might think. It is the emotions. Children cooped up in their homes away from peers with limited things to do at home, families juggling work and child care, sad conversations with families who lost their jobs, teachers anxious and working tirelessly to stay connected with the children. Having the responsibility to take care of all and not being able to make time for my family, my son and my husband. Long work days with no meals, as if I am on the road and not home.

My home was my sanctuary after a long day. My library! Oh my library. Once my safe space is now my space of stress. Everything happens there. All the work and all the anxiety. A realization of fragility of life.

…to be continued.