On my way from a meeting in Pennsylvania, I sat in my seat and took out the book I have started to read not long ago. The book is called Willpower by John Tierney. As I am reading the first paragraph that talks about conscious mind and unconscious mind relationship, I realize that my unconscious mind is interfering with my reading so much that I read the same small paragraph three times. As I try to quiet my unconscious mind , I realize that it is telling me to do something about a thought that has been bothering me greatly.
As part of what I do in my profession and in my personal life, I think about events, conversations a lot and reflect on them. I reflect on myself and challenge myself to be objective no matter how hard it is and how unpleasant the outcome may be. Am I being judgmental? Is this person stereotyping? Am I biased right now? Since last night, I have been unease with a simple dialogue with one of my colleagues whom I respect.
We went to dinner with a group of colleagues. I ordered a vegetarian dish with no particular reason. It sounded healthy and fresh! I guess we can say that was the reason. Here is the dialogue:
Colleague: Are you a vegetarian?
Me: No, in fact I love meat. I just wanted to have more veggies this time.
Colleague: Oh, ok. What kind of meat do you eat? Lamb?
Me: I like lamb. But I like meat in general.
I believe I said a few more things but it was all a blur because my mind was struggling to quiet down the real voice that wanted to say: “ Why lamb? Is it because I grew up in Turkey? Are you stereotyping? Unconsciously maybe but it sounds like you are stereotyping…No matter how well I know that this person would not mean to be offensive, I was offended and too shocked and unprepared to tell him how I felt. Well, earlier during the week we were talking about racism and how we all need to confront ourselves and be open to the question and lean in, and this simple question hit me. The other colleague whom I met for the first time asked me where I am from. I replied as I always do: I was born and raised in Turkey. Just as I thought, the second question followed: Oh, how long have you been living here? Later during the conversation someone asked if I went to public or private school. The moment I said “private school from 6th grade and on” she asked in awe: Are there private schools in Turkey? Deep breath… “yes, in fact it is very competitive”. Was this also a stereotyping issue? Why can’t we have private schools in Turkey? Why is it so surprising? It is not a communist country and there sure is not only one type of school or anything else for that matter.
So… no we do not just eat lamb and no we all do not go to public schools in Turkey. No we are not Arabs and we do not speak Arabic. Not all of us are wearing headscarves and covering ourselves from head to toe. It is time to enlighten others who are not familiar with our culture and our wonderful country. Yes, we have moving parts just like any other place around the world. This does not make us worse or better.
Another incident took place last week. I pick up my son from extended day. He comes crying and when I ask what happened he answers “ he called me a white boy and I told him I am NOT WHITE!”. You did not need to be a psychologist or a mind reader to see how angry and upset he was as he was trying his hardest to control his feelings. I asked to speak with the counselor who called him “white boy”. The counselor started to explain what happened. There was a problem. He was speaking Spanish under the assumption that I am Latina. Deep breath…I asked him to speak English as I do not speak Spanish. Then he continued saying that he called my son’s name but my son did not hear him and since everyone else was black and my son was the only white student he wanted to get his attention by calling him a white boy. Taaa daaa!!! Another deep breath and my hand goes up to stop him. I broke it down to him with a calm and soft tone that we refer to people by their name and not by their race adding that it is highly inappropriate to assume that someone belongs to a certain race because of his or her looks. I explained that my son is biracial and it is how he identifies himself respecting both of his parents and being proud of his identity. At that point, the counselor was almost in tears and said that he never had a bad intention. He was remorseful and apologized to me and to my son. Well, at least he took responsibility and I had the chance to take advantage of a teachable moment. After all, teachable moments are not only for children.
What now? Life goes on and I am sure this will not be the only time we will face with stereotyping and assumptions as it was not the first time. No, we cannot get mad, angry and upset each time something like this happens. We need to communicate, share and educate one another. Ask uncomfortable questions and confront the most difficult. Only then we will see a glimpse of change.

Children are people like the rest of us. They happen to be small. They deserve the same respect we expect for and from adults. Part of being a child is not having the answers to many things we may have as adults. Children need positive role models, healthy environment, right amount of challenge, plenty of time and opportunity to grow, gain knowledge and develop skills. These are all parts of becoming mature and articulate adults.

When I hear someone refer to a child as “bad” or uttering the words “you are being bad” I cringe. The child is not being bad, it is the behavior that is not desirable or acceptable. It is because the child has limited language and cognitive ability to express emotions and thoughts. It is the process to learn to make a good decision. How can he replace the undesirable behavior with an acceptable one? By discipline and consequence or by understanding the behavior, finding the source of it and building a relationship with the child to gain trust to provide support? I go with the latter. Here is why…

Discipline in traditional meaning and consequence are like band-aide. You put it on the wound and stop the bleeding for a while. Because the wound is not properly treated, the band-aid can stop the bleeding only for a short time period and it cannot prevent a possible infection. Lack of treatment  may prolong the healing time as well. This happens all because the wound is not treated well. Undesirable behavior is the same as the improperly treated wound. We need to take the time to understand why the child is presenting the behavior. We need to observe and try to find if there is a pattern and or a trigger. What is the source of the behavior? How can we find all these answers? We need to build a relationship with the child to be able to connect and to have open conversations. This happens only if we gain the child’s trust. I admit that this takes time but the best doctors pay attention to every detail, assess the patient very carefully and take all necessary measures while treating the patient.

Correcting a child’s behavior requires the teacher and other partners ,including the parents, to work together. Observation, assessment, planning, addressing the behavior, assessing and planning again. The cycle continues until the desired outcome is accomplished. Discipline, consequence or punishment, no matter how we slice it or dice it, often times back fires. How? The most common result I have seen over and over again is the repeat of the same behavior or worse, bullying others, being unable to control anger, developing negative thoughts and feelings about school, class or the teacher. The cycle continues… more consequence, more aggressive behavior, defiance, loss of respect, lack of self confidence, blaming self, disconnect from the rest of the world, feeling of pressure and failure. The older the child is, the stronger the feelings grow and the more problematic the outcomes are.

We need to give children a good road map to follow, the tools they need to scaffold and build. They are tomorrow’s adult citizens and what we do or do not for them today greatly matters.

Values are building blocks of an individual. One exists with his own values that he forms as he continues his journey in life. This is why we teach our children to make good choices and to differentiate right from wrong.

First we teach them to be honest even during the toughest times. We instill in them the importance of integrity and working hard.

• Do your best and stand by what you do.
• Stand up for justice and advocate for the less fortunate and underprivileged.
• Be a leader and do not follow the wrong doers.
•  Lift up others around you and appreciate them with all the differences and the similarities you have.
• Hold on to your principles and defend what you believe in.

• Choose being kind.
• Do your best to see the good in everyone because no one is all bad. There is light in everyone, try to see that.
• Share what you have and what you know. Keeping it to yourself does not do any good.
• Cherish what and who you have in your life and let them know.
• Be bold enough to share your feelings and to show your emotions. Remember, emotions make you human.
• Take responsibility and own your mistakes. Know that it is part of life to make mistakes. Learn from them.
• Keep in mind that every situation, no matter how positive or negative it is, is an opportunity to learn and grow as long as you open up your mind to it.
•  Communicate, do not assume.
• It is easy to find mistakes, faults, flaws. No one and nothing is perfect. Instead, choose to focus on the highs, the good and success and try harder to improve the ones you can. Just make sure you give your all.

• Accept the fact that you cannot make everyone happy at once. Needs, wants, ideas, opinions are different. But make sure everyone gets the chance to taste happiness at some point.
• You will not get what you want when you want all the time. Be conscientious of this. This is part of growing, understanding life and growing.
• Be mindful that no one is above or below you. Treat everyone with dignity regardless of their age, role, title or status.
• Do your job right from the beginning, not because someone is watching you but because you have self respect.
• Do not try to prove yourself to anyone but you. Others will naturally see what you are about.
• No quitting until you try every single way to reach your goal. Accept failure and use it as a stool to move you up one more step.

Do all of this, only then you will be a good person and true happiness and success will come to you. Only then you will become a strong adult and goodness will surround you.

What I love the most about our country is the diversity. I remember my childhood as I watched movies and read books saying ” Wow, it must be great to have people from all around the world in one place. A melting pot. Can you imagine the food, clothes and languages? So rich and fun”  As I grew up I figured out that diversity is not limited to food, clothes and languages. It is much deeper than that. It is also about living in peace with all of our differences and imperfections. It is about respecting these differences and about accepting one another the way we are. It is about setting limits for our wants as to not invade the place of others and to forgo our needs so that we can compromise and live happily.

Is it wrong to be a perfectionist? Depending on the situation and the level of “perfectionism” it may be. Are you perfect? Is there a perfect person? Not really. We all have our strengths but we still are not perfect. What IS perfect? Let’s think about some situations:

A perfect spouse, a perfect child, a perfect dish, a perfect house, a perfect book, a perfect movie, a perfect car…

Perfection is subjective and therefore it depends on the person who is judging what ever subject we are talking about. In my opinion a perfect house may have a large yard with fruit trees, five bedrooms, a spacious basement for my exercise equipment and a three car garage. Think about a person who does not exercise, who does not drive and is allergic to trees. Would this house be perfect for that person? In your opinion a perfect child may be the one who always listens instructions, does not question adult authority, cleans his room everyday and is an all A student. What if you have a child who possesses all these qualities except cleaning the room everyday or he has 6 A’s and one B. Does it mean he missed the chance to fit in your “perfect child” definition?

My “perfect” is to be able to live with the imperfections. To cherish the beauties, to count the blessings and being thankful for the circumstances I have. To remember that it is good to strive for the “perfect” while enjoying the imperfect things and people in my life. To value the individuality and the special things the person brings to my life. It is perfectly fine not to be perfect. I don’t live in the clouds because the sun is not shining. I would hate to miss what life has to offer when I am looking for the perfect. Now is perfect. People I have in my life are perfect. In their own ways.

How many perfect things do you have in your life? How many imperfect people do you know and you love them anyway?

 As parents we always want the best for our children. We do every possible thing to be good parents and caregivers. We know “every child develops at his or her own pace” because we have heard it and read it over and over again. But it still may be inevitable for some of us not to compare Johnny with the friend’s child Matthew. It can be even tricky when we look at a 14 month old toddler and compare him to the developmental milestones. It is not as easy as following three milestones and drawing a conclusion as in “Johnny is fourteen months old and he cannot say as many words as he should at this age. Red flag!!”.

Take a moment. Calm down. A child’s growth does not follow a cookie cutter timeline. Milestones guide us but they do not tell us that Johnny and Matthew will follow the same pace or pattern. If Johnny can produce 15 words or even sentences this does not mean he is smarter than Matthew. It also does not mean that Matthew is less smart. It just means that they both are following their own biological pace.

How would you feel if your boss compared you to your coworker? Susan gets the job done quicker than you do. She writes better than you do. What if your child compared you to his dad? He is more fun. He takes me to better places than you do. He gives me more money than you do. Wouldn’t you feel hurt? Frustrated? Wouldn’t you envy or even hate that coworker?

It is important to accept the individuals in our lives the way they are. It is more positive and fair. We need to celebrate the people around us. We need to embrace our children the way they are. We need to see the strengths in them before we see the weaknesses or the things that are not so inline with the norms. I have seen so many children who were late talkers, late walkers. In the end they talked and they walked. They even ran. Sometimes faster than the children who walked according to the norms.

Keep in mind that children excel in different areas. One may draw wonderful pictures while another one may write stories and another may have amazing dance moves and can follow the beats. Each one of them is worth celebrating.

Another year has passed. Same season, different year, same world problems… In the meantime, we are trying to enjoy this time of the year with family and friends. Children make their lists for Santa, parents rush to get things done before the holidays. Shopping malls are crowded, post office is busy, some take time off from work, some have to work and some do not have a job.

I love this time of the year. I particularly love Christmas. Growing up, New Year’s Eve was the most joyous occasion for me. Family members would gather at my parents’ house. 23 people total, sisters, brother in-laws, nieces and nephews. When I was in college, no matter what, I would go back home to spend time with family and welcome the new year together. Well… As years passed by and I grew older and busier, I lost the joy. Partly because my extended family is almost six thousand miles away across the ocean and I am only with my son and husband, partly because I work so hard that I do not get the opportunity to slow down and take it all in. I always think about people who do not have anyone to celebrate this lovely season with. People who are out in the cold, trying to figure out how and when they will get their next meal. People who lost their loved ones and now they are lonely. What is joyful if you are alone? What is the meaning and what is to celebrate?

How do you keep the spirit alive when you hear so many killings on the news almost everyday? Other than being thankful for another day that is given to you by God or whatever high being you believe in, what is to be happy? The only way to enjoy the holidays is to find a purpose. Make someone happy as this will bring joy to your life. It will feed your soul. Forget about spending hours and hundreds of dollars, maybe thousands, to buy presents. Give your time to make someone happy. Homeless, children with no family, an elderly who is forgotten in a corner of a senior home, next door neighbor who lost his or her spouse… Find someone and do something positive for him. Take him out of the loneliness and sadness and share the joy. Find meaning in random act of kindness. Remember a friend who you have not talked to for a while and pay him a visit or make a call to say hello.

There is always someone out there who needs a little cheering up. Be that person who puts a smile in his face and bring the goodness out. Be that person who reminds others that there is more to life than material things. There is a whole big world right outside of our door. In that big world there is someone who needs a person to reach out to them to remind that life is happening and it is worth sharing. Be the light to someone who is in darkness.

Happy holidays…