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Our Imperfections

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What I love the most about our country is the diversity. I remember my childhood as I watched movies and read books saying ” Wow, it must be great to have people from all around the world in one place. A melting pot. Can you imagine the food, clothes and languages? So rich and fun”  As I grew up I figured out that diversity is not limited to food, clothes and languages. It is much deeper than that. It is also about living in peace with all of our differences and imperfections. It is about respecting these differences and about accepting one another the way we are. It is about setting limits for our wants as to not invade the place of others and to forgo our needs so that we can compromise and live happily.

Is it wrong to be a perfectionist? Depending on the situation and the level of “perfectionism” it may be. Are you perfect? Is there a perfect person? Not really. We all have our strengths but we still are not perfect. What IS perfect? Let’s think about some situations:

A perfect spouse, a perfect child, a perfect dish, a perfect house, a perfect book, a perfect movie, a perfect car…

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Perfection is subjective and therefore it depends on the person who is judging what ever subject we are talking about. In my opinion a perfect house may have a large yard with fruit trees, five bedrooms, a spacious basement for my exercise equipment and a three car garage. Think about a person who does not exercise, who does not drive and is allergic to trees. Would this house be perfect for that person? In your opinion a perfect child may be the one who always listens instructions, does not question adult authority, cleans his room everyday and is an all A student. What if you have a child who possesses all these qualities except cleaning the room everyday or he has 6 A’s and one B. Does it mean he missed the chance to fit in your “perfect child” definition?

 

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My “perfect” is to be able to live with the imperfections. To cherish the beauties, to count the blessings and being thankful for the circumstances I have. To remember that it is good to strive for the “perfect” while enjoying the imperfect things and people in my life. To value the individuality and the special things the person brings to my life. It is perfectly fine not to be perfect. I don’t live in the clouds because the sun is not shining. I would hate to miss what life has to offer when I am looking for the perfect. Now is perfect. People I have in my life are perfect. In their own ways.

How many perfect things do you have in your life? How many imperfect people do you know and you love them anyway?

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COMPARING CHILDREN TO THEIR PEERS

 

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 As parents we always want the best for our children. We do every possible thing to be good parents and caregivers. We know “every child develops at his or her own pace” because we have heard it and read it over and over again. But it still may be inevitable for some of us not to compare Johnny with the friend’s child Matthew. It can be even tricky when we look at a 14 month old toddler and compare him to the developmental milestones. It is not as easy as following three milestones and drawing a conclusion as in “Johnny is fourteen months old and he cannot say as many words as he should at this age. Red flag!!”.

Take a moment. Calm down. A child’s growth does not follow a cookie cutter timeline. Milestones guide us but they do not tell us that Johnny and Matthew will follow the same pace or pattern. If Johnny can produce 15 words or even sentences this does not mean he is smarter than Matthew. It also does not mean that Matthew is less smart. It just means that they both are following their own biological pace.

How would you feel if your boss compared you to your coworker? Susan gets the job done quicker than you do. She writes better than you do. What if your child compared you to his dad? He is more fun. He takes me to better places than you do. He gives me more money than you do. Wouldn’t you feel hurt? Frustrated? Wouldn’t you envy or even hate that coworker?

It is important to accept the individuals in our lives the way they are. It is more positive and fair. We need to celebrate the people around us. We need to embrace our children the way they are. We need to see the strengths in them before we see the weaknesses or the things that are not so inline with the norms. I have seen so many children who were late talkers, late walkers. In the end they talked and they walked. They even ran. Sometimes faster than the children who walked according to the norms.

Keep in mind that children excel in different areas. One may draw wonderful pictures while another one may write stories and another may have amazing dance moves and can follow the beats. Each one of them is worth celebrating.

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Share the Joy!

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Another year has passed. Same season, different year, same world problems… In the meantime, we are trying to enjoy this time of the year with family and friends. Children make their lists for Santa, parents rush to get things done before the holidays. Shopping malls are crowded, post office is busy, some take time off from work, some have to work and some do not have a job.

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I love this time of the year. I particularly love Christmas. Growing up, New Year’s Eve was the most joyous occasion for me. Family members would gather at my parents’ house. 23 people total, sisters, brother in-laws, nieces and nephews. When I was in college, no matter what, I would go back home to spend time with family and welcome the new year together. Well… As years passed by and I grew older and busier, I lost the joy. Partly because my extended family is almost six thousand miles away across the ocean and I am only with my son and husband, partly because I work so hard that I do not get the opportunity to slow down and take it all in. I always think about people who do not have anyone to celebrate this lovely season with. People who are out in the cold, trying to figure out how and when they will get their next meal. People who lost their loved ones and now they are lonely. What is joyful if you are alone? What is the meaning and what is to celebrate?

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How do you keep the spirit alive when you hear so many killings on the news almost everyday? Other than being thankful for another day that is given to you by God or whatever high being you believe in, what is to be happy? The only way to enjoy the holidays is to find a purpose. Make someone happy as this will bring joy to your life. It will feed your soul. Forget about spending hours and hundreds of dollars, maybe thousands, to buy presents. Give your time to make someone happy. Homeless, children with no family, an elderly who is forgotten in a corner of a senior home, next door neighbor who lost his or her spouse… Find someone and do something positive for him. Take him out of the loneliness and sadness and share the joy. Find meaning in random act of kindness. Remember a friend who you have not talked to for a while and pay him a visit or make a call to say hello.

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There is always someone out there who needs a little cheering up. Be that person who puts a smile in his face and bring the goodness out. Be that person who reminds others that there is more to life than material things. There is a whole big world right outside of our door. In that big world there is someone who needs a person to reach out to them to remind that life is happening and it is worth sharing. Be the light to someone who is in darkness.

Happy holidays…

 

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What do teacher candidates learn in college nowadays?

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US. Department of Education recently published the Notice of Final Rulemaking for the teacher preparation regulations. The purpose is to bring transparency to the teacher prep programs and to provide them continued feedback so that each teacher is ready o go into a classroom. This readiness is different and more than obtaining the degree itself. According to research top performing teachers generate minimum five months of more learning opportunities for students.

It may sound a bit weird looking at the title but I am really curious. I have been interviewing teacher candidates for a long time. Over the years I have had the chance to speak with many candidates who are in school or who recently graduated. In both groups of professionals, I see a trend. No matter how many years pass and how much the field changes including requirements for teachers working with young children, the understanding seems to be remaining the same.

Here is a sample dialogue…

Q: Please tell me about some of the activities you do with toddlers. Paint me that picture I would see if I am in your classroom.

A: My toddlers know their colors, numbers, shapes and they started to learn the alphabet.

Wow! These little people are either all geniuses or the teacher thinks they are learning but actually they are just repeating and memorizing. I cringe when I hear this type of answer and try really hard to keep a straight face hiding my disappointment. Here I am sitting across from this person who has been working with children, who is also in college, or working on her or his graduate  degree or has completed a four year degree in early childhood, child and family studies, or human development or psychology. You name it. Yet, there is a big piece missing from the picture. Developmentally appropriate practice. NAEYC has brought so much attention to DAP and best practices that it is almost impossible not to know the basics of child development, expectations and how children learn the best.

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A toddler does not need to know his or her shapes or the alphabet. They do not need pictures and flash cards to memorize “green-blue-triangle-square…” Is this a big joke or are we really failing in our higher education courses? What are we teaching in these classrooms? Why are our educators focusing so much on the academics and the product? We are definitely doing something wrong. The sooner we figure it out the sooner we can resolve this issue. The sooner we resolve this issue the more I can hear a different answer to my initial question:

Q: Please tell me about some of the activities you do with toddlers. Paint me that picture I would see if I am in your classroom.

A: I am on the floor. Building with soft large blocks. I am dancing with the children to the music. We are playing the instruments. Some children are painting on the easel or the table standing. They have several colors to pick from. A couple of the children are pretending to eat fruit or the food teacher pretending to cook. I may be reading with the children. We may take turns singing and clapping. We may look at the family pictures and describe who they are and how they are feeling……….We are having a lot of fun together.

Great education interviews for the Local News tonight, including Humboldt Stepping Stones 1 yr. anniversary!:

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Well, this sounds very age appropriate and developmentally expected and needed. These are the moments children get to hear a story or a song over and over again. This is the way they hear and develop language skills. Not by memorizing what a letter looks like and what it is called. This is how they naturally learn to share, take turns, play together, talk to each other and imagine.

I visited an early learning program and as I was walking by the window of the infant classroom I saw handprint turkeys with feathers on them. In fact, the teacher who was giving me the tour said “Look, aren’t they cute? Parents will love it!”. I was devastated but did not want to ruin her spirit. I went along with it saying ” Oh I see. They are colorful”. I could not get myself to say “Oh yes, they really are cute”. I took ten minutes or so to gather what and how I would say so I was honest and constructive at the same time. I ended up asking her what she wanted her babies to learn from the activity. She could not answer. She stared at my face smiling. Then I said ” maybe the texture of the feathers and the coldness and wetness of the paint?” She nodded as if she found an escape. I continued ” What a great idea! We all know it is about sensory experiences for infants and especially if you talked about how each of these materials felt, you just nailed it. How much fun it is to help babies feel it and look at you in amazement” I took advantage of the moment and tuned it into a teachable one for the teacher. I could tell she was puzzled and the wheel started turning in her head. I was happy because I accomplished my goal for that particular moment.

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Going back to my initial question, what are we teaching in higher education classrooms and what aren’t we doing quite so right? What is missing? Maybe the solution is identifying high quality programs and assigning students to observe and even work in the classroom. Allowing them to have hands on experiences before they graduate. High quality and hands on experience are the key components for us to create well trained and educated work force. Expectations and practice need to be correlated with the age and developmental level of the children.

 

Perception is the reality…Is it?

Posted on by under Life and self help

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Not long ago I was in a meeting with a stakeholder. He said that perception is the reality. Out of respect, I did not disagree with him. However, not speaking up bothered me deeply. I could not sleep the entire night.  In my world and on my mind, perception is just perception. It is the understanding of the other person and it does not make anything the reality.

I cannot count how many times I spoke with someone only to find out they did not look at the situation 360 degrees. You see a snippet of a situation and start making judgements and maybe reach a conclusion. The person on the other side of the table is staring at you in awe. This is why we ask “did you do your due diligence?”

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Science defines perception as the neurophysiological processes, including memory, by which an organism becomes aware of and interprets external stimuli. Another definition is that perception is a way of regarding, understanding, or interpreting something; a mental impression. It is clear that perception is subjective. How can it be the reality?

The way we see the reality is affected by the way we focus on the subject. It is the same as seeing the glass half full while the other person is seeing it half empty. The reality is that the amount of water in the glass is equal to 1/2 of the size of that glass. Our personal choices, implicit biases, and beliefs effect our reality. On the other hand, our reality may not be the reality of others. It may not be the reality at all.  How does this happen? It happens because we see what we want to see. Our brain starts searching and focusing on the things that support what we believe in. Psychology defines this as “confirmation bias”. As we talk about the importance of anti-bias approach in education, how can we make sure that we are doing everything to be objective? One way is to check the facts in hand and remind ourselves to be objective.

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Our life experiences shape our realities. If you see John as a trouble maker, every time something goes wrong in the classroom you may think it is John’s fault. If you lost trust in your significant other, you may question everyone who presents similar behavior or who looks similar to that person. If you were bullied by a tall boy with big muscles, you may be scared each time you see a person who looks like that. Does this make you right? No. You are biased and your perception is influenced by your negative experiences.

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I watched an episode of Daredevil. A nine year old boy becomes blind after getting hit by a truck. His life takes a turn after this. His father dies, he starts hearing voices, pretty much everything around him even the things that are blocks away. Some people think that he is getting worse and is about to lose his mind because he is out of control with all the stimuli. He thinks he will not be able to live like this. Until an old blind man talks to him about his blindness being a gift. After listening to the old man the boy says ” until now, I have never thought of this as a gift.” Perfect example of perception. Our own beliefs and life experiences create our realities but they may not be the reality itself after all.

 

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Children have rights and we have to protect them!

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A two-year old child was hung at a day care center. 9-year-old girl is being forced to marry her rapist. Three year old boy is considered “not normal” by his teacher because he draws purple trees. Four year old girl is getting a red card in her second week of being in pre-K because she cannot sit still in the classroom.

We can see many of these on the news, on social media and in our daily conversations with colleagues, friends and relatives. Some situations are more severe than the others of course but in the end they all are hurting our children. Are we doing enough to protect them? Are we doing anything at all to be e remedy for some and to get rid of others for good? Maybe…

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I question adults who are supposed to be informed, aware and educated in these matters. I also question the adults who are in leadership positions overseeing these individuals exposing our children to such sad situations. Law makers, principles, parents… Do you take an action and stand up for these children’s rights when you see everything happening in front of your eyes or do you let it go? In some cases, do you allow it to happen?

One cannot drive before they are 16 or 18. Yet, they can be forced to a marriage while they have a long life in front of them. A life for them to figure out who they are, what they like and what they want to do in life. Their life can be ended by a delusional person who cannot control herself or who feels good after her sadistic act. They can be stressed out, crushed and pushed away with a label because of a teacher who is not capable of teaching and understanding basics of human development and psychology.

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It takes all of us to speak up for our children. To speak up and to encourage them to stand up for themselves. We need to have the tools and give them what they need to do so. I hear many people saying that they do not have the tools or the resources. Then I learn that the same people never even asked the question: Do you know anyone who can help me? Are there any self help books to give me ideas about the ways I can approach this problem or challenge?

Sharing is caring. Advocating is caring. Collaborating and fighting for the cause is caring. We need to start caring about children and stop acting like we are helpless or we do not know what to do. We have power as long as we are together. It all starts with a single step, a phone call, a meeting, a question. Don’t be afraid.

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When I was in elementary school, my best friend and I heard about UNICEF. We used to support the cause knowing that there are children around the world who were not able to meet their basic needs such as clean water, food, clothing, education ,and medical treatment. There are children who are being abused and raped by the adults they need to be protected by. We didn’t have jobs or any other income to make big donations but we were thoughtful. We started purchasing greeting cards that had UNICEF trademark/logo on them. We chose to do so because the proceeds were going to children from all over the world in different ways. We wanted to help break the cycle of poverty and inequity.

I was impressed and excited when I saw that my son’s school is ofering UNICEF club as an option in extended day program. When he asked me what it is I said “This is the moment”. He is an empathetic child and what can be better than him being involved in this club I thought. He came home the next day and said he was the only boy in the club. In fact, some of his friends tried to change his mind saying it would be “no fun” to be in UNICEF club. He did not care.

With his permission, I am sharing the poem my son wrote:

                          We should give clothing, water, shelter and love to the poor

                          Because shelter is for you to survive winter and rainy days

                          Food and water are essential to survive

                          Clothes are so you are not cold on cold days and hot on very hot days

                          Love, because people or kids that are poor should not be gloomy or sad.

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Who are we?

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In case you do not know, early childhood professionals have been struggling to bring attention and seriousness to the  field for a very long time. I happen to be one of those professionals. As I am at the NAEYC (National Association for the Education of Young Children) conference this week, I wanted to reflect on my thoughts and our many discussions with colleagues one of which took place yesterday. 

The big question is “Who are we?”. Can anyone do what we do as good as we do? Does is take a certain skillset to perform what needs to be performmed to support children’s growth, development and learning? If yes, who has the skillset? Can any and every one be an early childhood educator? So, here is what I think…

I started my journey in education when I was 13. Actually, it is a lucky number for me. Growing up in Turkey, I was intrigued by languages. My cousins spoke German, my sister was learning English and listened to artists like Michael Jackson, George Michael, Lionel Ritchie… I loved the tunes and how the words sounded to my ears. I thought it was so cool to be able to speak English. English as a second language was just beginning to be a hot subject in Turkish education system and schools that were teaching every subject in English except Turkish grammar, history and social studies started to pop up everywhere. Some were like public charter schools and some were private. Of course, you had to take a test and score high enough to get in. I do remember how my heart felt like blowing up when I got in. Excited to see the books shiny, colorful with lots of cool sounding words, I could not wait to get started.English for a Changing World was the name of the series and Streamline was for spoken English class. I totally fell in love with the language. Any how… My third year in my so lovely relationship with English language, I realized how much fun it was to teach others. I was helping family members and neighbors. One summer I gave lessons to a lady who was going to visit her sister in London and wanted to learn at conversational level so she would not feel awkward. She was my first student I charged tuition. Yay! It went on and on… 

I decided to teach English for the rest of my life. Hence the reason I majored in English Language Teaching. After I moved to the States, I was not sure what I was going to get my M.A. in. I went back and forth for a while and at the same time I was applying for jobs that had nothing to do with teaching. I wanted to take it slow and easy so that I could focus on my studies. Well… That is how I found  myself in early childhood with little, wonderful, curious people. Hiring manager looked at my resume and interviewed me only to say that “I am not wasting your talent and experience at the front desk. You belong to the classroom”. I was confused and scared. I never thought I would be able to work with little children. My first reaction was “Oh”. Second thing came out of my mouth was “Thank you, allow me to think about it and I will get back to you”. I said to my husband: Children need patience, a different type of patience. I went to college to work with middle and high school students. I don’t think i can do this. After discussing over and over again, with my husband’s encouragement, I decided to give it a try. After all, I had nothing to lose. 

I learned that I had patience in me. More than I ever imagined. I  always loved children and had empathy for them. Coming from a large and close knit family, this was second nature to me. We always took care of our young and of each other. What I loved the most about being an ECE teacher was the innocence of children. Their need for guidance. Their excitement for the littlest discovery. Big contagious laughter for silly jokes and funny moments. I realized how we lose most of these positive feelings as we get older. I also realized how children and families are different and not all have the same opportunities. I thought about older children, upper grade students in general. I realized there was so much work to do at the beginning of their journey not in the middle. 


So… here I am after 13 years working in early ed world and 17 years in education field overall. I have the same thoughts. There is so much to do and everyone cannot do what needs to be done. Being an early childhood educator needs patience, compassion, caring and loving heart and a progressive mind that is all about growth. Growth mindset can exist only in people who are all about education. Personal and professional development. It also needs dedication. Not only for children and families but also for each other. It is a work of a community who share the same vision and the goals for the children and for our future. So, roll up your sleeves. 

A fair shot in life…

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Compare to many other people, I did not have a hard life. My father was the bread winner and my mom took care of us, six daughters. As my sisters grew older, they started helping my mom around the house and raising the younger sisters. I must admit that I did not have to do any chores other than picking up after myself. My job was to go to school, study, get good grades and be respectful. In a nutshell I had what I needed and most of the things I wanted. Though a couple of my sisters called me “spoiled” I hardly believe in that. Why?

Because I was responsible. My parents never had to tell me to do my homework or to study. I was a hardworking little girl who respected authority and who was raised to be kind to people no matter what they looked like and where they came from. I was never greedy taking advantage of my dad’s willingness to buy things for me nor did I flaunt in front of my friends. Quite the contrary, I helped people starting at a very young age discreetly buying things for others from my allowance. I knew that everyone was not as fortunate as I was. In addition, I started tutoring when I was in high school so that I could earn my own money rather than asking from my dad.

Years passed and I graduated from college. I took pride in what I did as a teacher. Teaching is one of the greatest things one can do in life. If you know something and you have the ability to teach, why not do it? More years passed and I got into leadership world. I realized that it was my calling to lead. No matter how hard I tried, I found myself right back in it and I did not regret it once. It is the ability to make a difference on a larger scale. It is the opportunity to use my abilities and share them with others.

As I mentioned at the beginning, I know that there are many children who do not even get to be children. They are busy being grown ups because that is what they have to do to survive. Life should not be about surviving. It should be about living. It is every child’s right to live and to be happy. To make this happen, we all need to do our part. No matter how much we ear, where we live, how busy we are, how little or big jobs we have… we all can do something. One thing!

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I will share with you the things that I would do for the children and their families who are not privileged if I were:

  • a dentist/doctor: free check ups for the community every quarter.
  • an accountant/bookkeeper: tax filing, financial advise
  • an insurance agent: education on benefits
  • business expert: meetings/training about how to start up a small business
  • stay at home parent: organize fundraising events
  • everyone:  Volunteer at a school or an after care program reading stories for children.
  • everyone: donate to an organization who directly helps the homeless, unemployed, single parents, or anyone who is going through a hardship. Some of the organizations are:

Martha’s Table

So Others Might Eat

Bright Beginnings 

Coalition for the Homeless, Inc.

United Planning Organization

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Be the best you can. Do the best you can. Show empathy and be cognizant of the needs of people around you. Do not allow a location define a child’s future. Care and do what you can so that each child gets a fair shot in life. After all, they are our future and we create the future together.

 

Everything is for us… Humans.

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Life is strange.

We live through so much…

Sometimes we are happy and sometimes sad

Sometimes we unite with the ones we love and sometimes we separate

Sometimes we get closer and sometimes we grow apart

Sometimes we are healthy and sometimes sick

Sometimes we see birth and sometimes death

Sometimes we are at peace and sometimes at war

Sometimes we love and sometimes we hate

Life is full of opposites.

As opposite as black and white, north and south

Everything is for us. Humans…

Positive thinking…

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Are you open to new things? New opportunities, new techniques or new style… Or are you fearful of newness?

New is sometimes scary. You never tried it before. You never experienced it. There are unknown things in every “new”. There is also an opportunity to grow and a thing or two to learn with every “new”. The question is, are you ready to take the step to the “new”?

The way I was raised, like many of you, was different than the way we raise our children today. We are encouraged to think the “new way” of parenting and teaching. One of the biggest things we talk about is using positive language. I am sure you heard and or used at least two of the following statements:

  • Don’t run in the hallway!
  • No talking in the library
  • Don’t hit your friend!
  • Don’t be rude to your teacher/elderly/
  • You can’t play outside when it gets dark
  • Don’t waste your food!
  • Don’t write/draw on the walls!
  • You can’t speak without raising your hand and getting permission

Don’t, can’t, shouldn’t…The list is long. After hearing or saying these things have you seen or heard a child or in fact an adult doing exactly what you tell them not to do? Yes. We all have. The point is that human nature does not comprehend and does not respond well to negative statements. Instead, we use positive language and positive response to it is more likely to take place.

  • Use your walking feet in the hallway
  • Please be quiet in the library.
  • Be gentle with your friend
  • Be polite/Show respect to your teachers/elderly
  • Please come inside before it gets dark
  • Eat your food/Finish your food
  • Keep walls clean/Write on paper/easel
  • Please raise your hand before talking/ask for permission before talking

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It may be easier to use negative instead of affirmative language however; the outcome we want to see is hard to attain. We need to be practice positive language and be conscious about it. The more we practice the easier it becomes. In addition, children hear us and they imitate what we say and what we do. It is easier to teach a child the positive way early on rather than trying to undo or reteach the best way. It really is about training the brain to think positively and use affirmative statements.

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Negative statements are like a band-aid. You stop the undesirable act for the moment. You do not teach how to achieve the desirable outcome. Therefore, when you tell a child not to write on the walls his question may be “I want to write. Where can I write?” “What can I do when it gets dark? I am not sleepy and I still want to play”.

I love the book series “Teeth are not for biting” by  Elizabeth Verdick and Marieka Heinlen. It talks about what you “can” do with your teeth.

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The entire series is about positive guidance and developing social emotional skills. It is a great way to start using language that will teach children what to do and a simple model to follow for the teachers. Every child needs and deserves a happy learning environment where they are safe and they can learn enjoying what they do. They need to feel valued and capable. Adult tone and language choice makes or breaks a child. Children do not need power struggle. Especially when we really want them to learn something. They need to be assured, acknowledged and given choices. And they need to hear all of his with positive words and or statements. This allows them to remain open to what we say and what we want them to do. It is not always possible to do this but when positive language becomes a habit and takes place majority of the time it is a win win. As the old saying goes: You catch more bees with honey.